People in Commercials Who Don't Exist In Real Life

Bout time you woke up from that nap, son, Daddy's been a-itchin' to log some more hours with Mr. Fisher Price's rampy car. And I'm not just humouring your imaginative playtime, no no!

Daddy's sittin' shotgun for this funtime ride cause this toy is out-of-this-world good. Actually, maybe it's time you took another nap? Daddy's fixin to put all the cars down all the ramps at the same time.

One pint? Coming right up. Allow me the distinct pleasure of pouring it for you like a fine craftsman. Delicately. Slowly. Watch as the crisp amber bubbles dance within your perfectly tilted glass, culminating at the rim before just barely pouring over.

Afterwards, it would be a delight for me to shave the head off of your beverage using a tool that only exists in this fairy tale world where bartenders exhibit thorough, one-on-one attention with their patrons.

Yup, just bought this bad boy straight off the lot. Brand spankin' new. The boys and I were thinkin' we'd take it out to the fucking Serengeti and tool around for a while.

Yeah, just kinda go really fast down a straight dusty road - maybe do some donuts and kick some sand up. Don't wait up for us either, cuz we're gonna take the long way home through some mountain gorges and snowy ass tundras.

DARN! My motor skills have failed me AGAIN. Well, time to moan like Shakespearean actor, to nobody! I am very upset about this, empty living room!

This minor flub is a travesty, and I won't be caught dead just laughing it off like a normal person. Someone should invent something to fix my user-error problems.

You boys...being boys. Good thing I'm always waiting in the wings, eager and happy to clean all your horseshit messes. What do we have this time? It looks like you threw a bowl of salsa straight at a bowl of chips.

That's no problem! I have got just the thing. Also, I am a robot woman programmed to enable you all forever

Man, this party is a bust. Everyone's just hungrily standing by the door waiting for Bryan but he said he's not gonna- HOLY SHIT IT'S BRYAN AND LOOK AT ALL THAT TACO BELL! BLAST THE MUSIC!

THROW THE HOTTEST PEOPLE AT THIS PARTY AT HIM! THIS MAN IS A KING AND WE ARE ALL HIS SERFS! WE ARE ALL DOING BLOW TONIGHT AND NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN BRING US DOWN! TAAAAACCCCOOOOO BEEEELLLLLL!!!

Hi, yes how can I help you today? Oh you're interested in our new limited time offer? Great, so here's what it entails...oh, you're also a weird freak person that is like, weirdly comfortable enough with me to interrupt me with bad puns or by showing me you're wearing an adult diaper or some shit? Okay, yeah great I'm down for this. It's not like I get paid in garbage to stand all day and get yelled at. I'm fun and love quirks!